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Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

김수현 <3
Kim Soo Hyun

김수현 <3

Kim Soo Hyun


Where is “home”?

Here I am again, trying to pour out my tangled thoughts in front of my laptop. I sweep my gaze around the room: Nah~ all the folks inside this house have already gone into the depths of slumber.  Just so you know, it’s already two hours past midnight. Me, still being awake at this hour, is very much normal. Yeah, I admit I’m nocturnal. In fact, I have been nocturnal even before my call center work altered my biological clock.

 

Being active during the night is a good thing for me though. Like I said, my thoughts and emotions are in chaos. Night is the only time when I get the chance to sort out things and contemplate about life.

 

There are a lot of things going on inside my head right now. Worst, every single thing that is bothering me seems to add to this utter sadness I have been feeling for months since I snapped back to reality after that eleven surreal months I’d had in South Korea.

 

I’m hurt, confused, vexed, sad. I’m longing for “what-has-beens” and “what-used-to-bes”. I’m wistful of the things I want to do and achieve. Sometimes, I blame myself for feeling these things. Yes, it’s like a mixture ——  a complex web of emotions which trapped me into this predicament I’m currently in.

 

Mess or not, it all boils down to one certain thing: I’m HOMESICK.

 

Yes, you read it right. I’m indeed homesick. I know it may sound weird. Why should I be yearning for home, if I’m already”home”? Or am I really?

 

I can feel my heart heavy with utter sorrow every time I’d remember that dream land where I’d stayed for eleven months. I’m a stranger into that place, that’s a given. And people expected me to be taken aback by the differences between my culture and their traditions. But things happened differently. I blended in. And it’s so ironic how I found the sense of home in a place where I supposedly don’t belong. That’s the only place where I felt comfortable being myself. There I felt welcomed. Most of all, that place taught me to make the most out of my freedom so that I can thrive effectively on my own.

 

Sigh…

 

How can you forget something which gave you so much to remember? Eleven months might be a short time for most people but often those swift moments will turn up to be the most memorable in someone’s life. But why is it so hard to let go of the things that are now just a part of my memory?!? (_)

 

Ever heard of “hiraeth”? It’s a Welsh word which has no English equivalent. And that word exactly describes this chaotic tangle of emotions I feel within. Originally, hiraeth is the longing one feels for Wales, and all things Welsh. In my case, it is my deep yearning for a connection with the land of South Korea. And this is the string which pulls me “home”.

 

Call me a traitor to my own people. Probably I am. I don’t know. .But isn’t there a saying that “Home is where your heart is”? It just so happened that my heart hasn’t left South Korea yet. Do you know how it feels living on autopilot every day. I wake up on routine, go to work on routine, do things I’m required to do on routine but my mind and heart aren’t really on the matter. It’s like there’s a huge void within my being: EMPTY.

 

Then again, it’s a hiraeth. I’s so silly that I’m homesick for a home to which I cannot return to—— at least, for the meantime, not yet.

 

But I’m an optimistic person. I believe that someday….. I can somehow find myself in a place where I truly belong.

 YESTERDAY by Leona Lewis

I just can’t believe you’re gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise even without you by my side
When we have so much in store tell me what is it I’m reaching for
When we’re through building memories I’ll hold yesterday in my heart
In my heart

[Chorus:]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we never played
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we’ll never know
They can take the places that we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can never have yesterday

You always used to say I should be thankful for every day
Heaven knows what the future holds or at least how the story goes
(But I never believed them till now)
I know I’ll see you again I’m sure no it’s not selfish to ask for more
One more night one more day
One more smile on your face but they can’t take yesterday

[Chorus]

I thought our days would last forever
(But it wasn’t our destiny)
‘Cause in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong
Now I can believe that I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I’m looking back on yesterday

[Chorus]

All the broken dreams take everything
But they can never have yesterday

아틀란티스 소녀 (Atlantis Princess)

저 먼 바다 끝엔 뭐가 있을까 다른 무언가 세상과는 먼 얘기
구름위로 올라가면 보일까 천사와 나팔부는 아이들
숲속 어디엔가 귀르 대보면 오직 내게만 작게 들려오는 목소리
꿈을꾸는듯이 날아가 볼까 저기 높은 곳 아무도 없는 세계
그렇게도 많던 질문과 풀리지 못한 나의 수많은 얘기가
돌아보고 서면 언제부턴가 나도몰래 잊고있던 나만의 비밀
(이제정말) 왜이래 나 이제 커버린 걸까 (이제 정말) 뭔가 잃어버린기억
(지금 내맘) 이젠 나의 그 작은 소망과 꿈을 잃지 않기를
저 하늘속에 속삭일래 오예~

까만 밤하늘에 밝게 빛나던 별들 가운데 나 태어난 곳 있을까
나는 지구인과 다른곳에서 내려 온 거라 믿고 싶기도 했어
그렇게도 많던 질문과 풀리지 못한 나의 수많은 얘기가
돌아보고 서면 언제 부턴가 나도 몰래 잊고 있던 나만의 비밀
(이제정말) 왜이래 나 이제 커버린 걸까 (이제 정말) 뭔가 잃어버린기억
(지금 내맘) 이젠 나의 그 작은 소망과 꿈을 잃지 않기를 저 하늘속에 속삭일래 우우~
왜이래 나이제 커버린 걸까 (이제 정말) 뭔가 잃어버린 기억( 지금 내맘)
이젠 나의 그 작은 소망과 꿈을 잃지 않기를 저하늘 속에
속삭일래 우우예이예우-

너무나도 좋은 향기와 바람이 나에게로 다가와 어느샌가
나도 모르게 가만히 들려오는 작은속삭임
귀를 기울이고 불러보세요 다시 찾게 될거예요 잊혀진 기억
(생각해봐) 나 이제 더 이상 놓치진 않아 (소중했던) 나의 잃어버린 기억
(지금 내맘) 이젠 나의 그 작은 소망과 꿈을 잃지 않기를
저 하늘 속에 속삭일래
왜이래 나이제 커버린 걸까(이제 정말) 뭔가 잃어버린 기억(지금 내맘)
이젠 나의 그 작은 소망과 꿈을 잃지않기를 저 하늘 속에 기도할래

Lost

image

What am I doing here?

Okay, I have to admit that I made a really huge mistake. This isn’t really for me. Who am I kidding? Have you ever had that moment in your life wherein you feel that you are so lost?

Yes, I’m lost. I was strayed from the path that is supposed to be mine. I made the wrong turn and now I ended up in the wrong place.

No matter how I tried,  I can’t get myself to be interested in this field. All these talks of politics and state relations……OMG, I just couldn’t relate to it. Like, who cares about peace keeping? I’ve got enough problems on my own to deal with. Who cares about such long verbose laws? It’s just oh-so boring and lame (no offense to the people who are into this field). And I feel so stupid and dumb person every time I can’t answer basic simple facts about it.My mind suddenly goes all blank.

I’m just not into it. So what am I doing here?

I used to love jargons. You know like, Adenosine triphosphate, fuselage and dura mater. At least they make sense. I just don’t get it why simple common terms like instability, imperialism and R2P will not get inside my thick head! It’s frustrating.

I don’t understand why people argue over something that is purely abstract and theoretical when there is a concrete object to experiment about.

That brings me back to my question: What am I doing here?

I feel trapped. I’m wrong, alright but I honestly don’t know why, in the first place, I chose to venture in this path. What made me chose to traverse such a boring road?

Enough of the pretense. For the first time in my life, I will now acknowledge the fact that INTERNATIONAL STUDIES IS NOT ——- AND WILL NEVER BE ———— MY THING.

Where did the future neurosurgeon go? That person who used to be a burgeoning researcher ——- what is she doing now? What will become of this person who keeps on trying to fit in a place where she doesn’t belong?

You know what the most tragic thing is? That is, to deprive your heart of the happiness and interest you deserve. I hope it’s not yet too late for me to escape from this prison. I  hope it’s not yet too late for me to do what I really like…

Where am I? What am I doing here? I’m lost…

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